Helping Girls Navigate Conflict: Reality Therapy, Narrative Reframing, and the Power of Perspective
Conflict among youth—especially girls—rarely involves just two people. It often ripples through friend groups, classrooms, and families, leaving everyone unsettled. As someone who has worked in schools and counseling settings, I’ve seen firsthand how these conflicts can escalate when underlying needs aren’t addressed.
Two counseling approaches—Reality Therapy (Choice Theory) and Narrative Therapy—offer practical, compassionate ways to help young people take ownership of their choices, reframe their stories, and build healthier relationships.
Reality Therapy: Choosing Better Responses
Developed by William Glasser, Reality Therapy focuses on the gap between what individuals need and what they are actually receiving in their relationships. According to Choice Theory, conflict often stems from unmet needs in five areas:
Survival
Belonging
Power
Freedom
Fun
The WDEP System guides students through four simple but transformative questions:
What do you want?
What are you currently doing?
Is this behavior helping or hurting you?
How can we create a plan to move forward?
By working through these questions, students begin to take responsibility for their actions without falling into the blame game. The counselor’s role is to remain nonjudgmental, highlighting each girl’s responsibility while avoiding shame or embarrassment.
In small groups, this can lead to goal‑setting around peacemaking, avoiding high‑conflict relationships, and seeking connections that bring meaning and satisfaction.
Values Rating Activity: Practicing Perspective
One practical activity suggested by the William Glasser Institute is Values Rating. Ten chairs are set up to represent a scale from one to ten. Students rate topics by standing next to the chair that reflects their view.
Start with lighter topics: fashion, music, technology, gratitude, service.
Move into deeper ones: school, love, friendships, generosity, family, home.
Extend by asking how parents, younger children, or older adults might rate the same topics.
This exercise helps students clarify their own values while practicing perspective‑taking. Often, they discover they are more alike than different, opening the door to honest communication and empathy.
Parent Tip: Try a mini “values scale” at home. Line up 5–10 objects (books, cups, sticky notes) to represent a scale from 1–10. Ask your daughter to “rate” topics like friendship, school, or family time. Then invite her to guess how you or another adult might rate the same topic. This simple exercise builds empathy and perspective‑taking, while showing her that values can be shared or differ without conflict.
Parent Practice: When your daughter is upset, gently guide her through the WDEP questions at home:
What do you want right now?
What are you doing to get it?
Is this helping or hurting?
What’s one better choice you could make? This helps her pause, reflect, and take ownership of her actions without you stepping into the blame game. Modeling calm curiosity instead of judgment reinforces that she has agency in her choices.
Narrative Therapy: Reauthoring the Story
While Reality Therapy emphasizes choice, Narrative Therapy emphasizes agency. Many girls—and women—struggle with negative internal thoughts that erode self‑esteem. Narrative Therapy helps individuals externalize those thoughts, separate themselves from their problems, and reframe their stories.
Research by Hilman, Hafina, and Ilfiandra (2023) found that self‑esteem can be increased through narrative counseling combined with group techniques such as assertive training and cognitive behavioral play therapy. Their seven‑stage process includes:
Hearing a story of sadness and despair
Naming and externalizing the problem
Identifying relative influence
Deconstructing outcomes
Remembering alternative stories
Using metaphors for reauthoring
Documenting evidence
This process empowers students to reshape their narratives, explore new perspectives, and imagine healthier outcomes.
Parent Tip: When your daughter voices negative self‑talk (“I’m always left out,” “No one likes me”), encourage her to speak it aloud and then gently challenge it: “Is that always true? Can you think of a time when it wasn’t?” Help her reframe by telling an alternative story: “Remember when your friend invited you to sit with her? That shows you are included.” By practicing reauthoring together, you help her separate herself from the problem and see new possibilities.
Faith and Metaphor: Jesus as Teacher
Narrative Therapy’s use of metaphor resonates deeply with faith. Jesus often taught through parables—seeds, shepherds, light—using everyday images to reveal deeper truths. These metaphors gave listeners agency to interpret meaning in their own lives, much like narrative therapy invites individuals to reframe their struggles.
By weaving symbolic language into counseling, we invite students to see beyond immediate conflict and recognize alternative perspectives. This not only builds resilience but also mirrors the redemptive work of faith: restoring relationships, reframing stories, and choosing peace.
Parent Tip: Use everyday metaphors to help your daughter reframe conflict. For example: “Friendships are like gardens — sometimes weeds grow, but with care, the flowers still bloom.” This mirrors how Jesus used parables to reveal deeper truths. Metaphors give her language to process emotions and remind her that conflict doesn’t define her story; it’s just one chapter.
Conclusion
Helping girls navigate conflict requires more than quick fixes. It calls for frameworks that honor their agency, uncover unmet needs, and equip them with tools to reframe their stories. Reality Therapy and Narrative Therapy—combined with perspective‑building activities and faith‑rooted metaphors—offer a path toward healthier relationships and stronger self‑esteem.
When students recognize they are more alike than different, when they learn to take responsibility without shame, and when they begin to reauthor their narratives, they are empowered to move from conflict toward connection.
📌 References
Erford, B. T., Hays, D. G., & Crockett, S. A. (2020). Mastering the national counselor examination and the counselor preparation comprehensive examination (3rd ed.). Pearson.
William Glasser Institute Ireland. (n.d.). Group activities. https://wgii.ie/quality-schools/gqs-resources/group-activities/
Hilman, N., Hafina, A., & Ilfiandra, I. (2023). Increasing self-esteem of high school students through narrative counseling. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/379532612_Increasing_self-esteem_of_high_school_students_through_narrative_counseling
